hello.
my God is a god who provides. i don't know if i have mentioned this to you already, but i am still unemployed and am not getting allowances from dad anymore. it has been like this since i orded.

i guess what i feel is that i should not burden my parents financially anymore. to be frank, i do feel a little guilty for telling my parents about my dreams: how i wanted to migrate to australia to study and work or going to UK for the pursuing of my designs or maybe even jumping into our family furniture business. so after two years of weaving dreams in my parents' heads, i drop the bomb of 'bible school.' even they support me, i do feel bad still. i think their major concern was my future income. i don't know about you but i do think that the general public expects church workers to have a simple, plain lifestyle. hence the idiom, "as poor as church mouse."

so on the sunday, when i told my parents the finalized plan for my future, i made a pact with myself that i will be self-sufficent and hopefully, soon, i would be financially stable to give my parents money. but until i reach there, i have to get a job so i won't be still scrambling with angbao money!

it has been three months i have not got a job yet. my plans so far have been unsuccessful. mother has just pulled me out to the living room and gave me a good scolding. well, on her part, she sees me flustered with design work while knowing that i am still jobless. as mentioned before, i was pre-occupied with the missions booklet for the past two weeks. mom thinks the church is making use of me and that i am too foolish to say anything. i repeat her words, "You are a bum you know? I mean, I know you are doing things. But working on FOC designs and having no income is still a bum!" my heart was skipping beats when she said that. the whole conversation was really nerve wrecking. angry mom is reallyyy scary. and she doesn't even raise her voice.

well, tomorrow i am going to try out for an another interview at church office. i hear some admin lady is going to quit her job soon. i know mom thinks that i am stupid for being desperate to get myself hired in church office. i too felt i was stupid for listening to God about not taking up design jobs in the secular world because its obvious thats where easy money is. hahah but i guess i have finally figured it all out.

i realized that being a designer is probably not my destiny, and not where God wants me to be. i mean, sulking and thinking about the glory days of working in a design firm or studying in UK will not help you in being excited and focused on God's calling right? sigh, i am not like suddenly holy or anything but it really took a lot of slapping myself for me to get here. i guess it is all really a choice. do you choose to be bitter and keep looking back, or do you just focus on what God has placed on your plate? i think i have to have a heart surgery and start seeing that bible school is my destiny. no more pondering about the 'what if' and 'if only,' but just seeing what God shows you, and doing what He says.

i feel that your choice will only mean something when you are given the option to choose. besides, i know that i may be broke, but i am never poor. :)